the signs as john mulaney quotes

aries: hi, I’m very gay, and I’d like a few dollars
taurus: I don’t look older, I just look worse. honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like “hey! look at that man!” I think they’re just like “woah, that tall child looks terrible! get some rest, tall child! you can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”
gemini: I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud. it probably will happen again
cancer: I have had a very long day. I am very small… and I have no money… so you can imagine the kind of stress I am under
leo: some babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all
virgo: when I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man that’s kind of over it sexually
libra: everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds
scorpio: I’ll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, I’ll die
sagittarius: sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV, even though he already owns that movie on DVD. pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him
capricorn: cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man, trying his best
aquarius: I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like, 28 years, and then I walked right out here
pisces: in terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroine